HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they
never laugh At how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies,
but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the
crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon
as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
In retrospect, "Let's get the goat drunk"
should have been my cue to leave the party.