First, linville is right -- having fun is more important than anything else. Second, give the camera operator a good slap. I got seasick. Third, the rails are either poorly set up or tracked out. There doesn't seem to be much of an approach or ramp.
In terms of your actual riding, you are popping instead of ollying, which will always look more awkward, and you're putting a lot more effort into getting air than you need to. On one of the rails (I think the second one), the person in front of you basically just rides on, and you jump an extra foot. This is just a question of practice. You'll get used to how much effort you need to put in for any particular trick, and you'll look smoother. But work on ollies a bit more.
I think the "too tight" comment from others is based on you bracing yourself for the big jump, then having to brace yourself for the landing. Just relax more.