Bert is getting concerned about his wife's hearing, but he's not sure how to talk to her about it. So he goes to his doctor for advice. The doctor tells him "There's a simple test. Stand 40 ft from your wife and say something to her in a normal voice. If she doesn't respond, move 10 ft closer and repeat. Keep doing this until she responds."
So Bert goes home, determined to perform the test. That night, he's sitting in the living room while his wife is cooking dinner. He figures he's about 40 ft away, so he says in a normal tone of voice, "Pat, what's for dinner?". Nothing. So he moves 10 ft closer, and repeats "Dear, what's for dinner". Nada. Moves 10 ft closer, repeats "Pat, what's for food tonight?". Zip. Moves to 10 ft away and asks again. Zero. Finally he moves in right behind her and asks once more "What's for dinner, dear?" To which she responds "For fuck sake, Bert! For the fifth time, CHICKEN!".
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."
-- Rodney Dangerfield.