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  Topic Review (Newest First)
11-22-2014 08:01 PM
Homies911 An Irish man walks out of a bar.
11-21-2014 06:49 PM
Mizu Kuma A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey!!!!! He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar!!!!! Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball and the bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy!!!!! "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard!!!!! I'll pay for everything."!!!!! The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves!!!!! Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again and he orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar!!!!! The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, he grabs it, and sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it!!!!! The bartender is disgusted!!!!! "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks????? "Yeah," replies the guy!!!!! "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."!!!!!
11-21-2014 08:09 AM
neni Cowboy enters the saloon.
Barman: how are you doing?
Cowboy: awww... fine... just... I've these dreadfully chapped lips!
Barman: Listen, I know a great cure. Go to your horse, lift its tail and kiss its ass twice a day.

Two weeks later, the cowboy enters the saloon again.
Barman: Howdy, did my cure help?
Cowboy: well... lips are still chapped, but it sure keeps me from licking them.
11-21-2014 07:20 AM
mojo maestro My Dr. says a banana a day is good for your colon. Turns out you're supposed to eat them.
11-21-2014 06:13 AM
George Shredsogood

I shred alone, yeah
With nobody else
I shred alone, yeah
With nobody else
You know when I shred alone
I prefer to be by myself

Every day just before breakfast
I drink me some black coffee
Just me and my trusted jib stick
My file and stone gummy
'Cause I shred alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know when I shred alone
I prefer to be by myself

The other night I lay sleeping
And I woke from an awesome dream
Just slopes of bottomless fluffy
And nobody else to be seen
And I shred alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know when I shred alone
I prefer to be by myself

Once when my home boy tweaked me
And I got in a terrible rage
I called up my good pal Flow
And his partner Heritage
And we shred alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know when I shred alone
I prefer to be by myself

The other day I got invited to a party
But I stayed home instead
I even went to bed early that night
‘Cos the next I was going to shred
And I shred alone
Yeah, with nobody else
Yeah, you know when I shred alone
I prefer to be by myself

Yeah, my whole family done give up on me
But, know what makes it better?
The only one who will hang out with me
Is my partner Shreddy Kreuger
And we shred alone, yeah
With nobody else
Yeah, you know when I shred alone
I prefer to be by myself
11-18-2014 08:43 PM
snowklinger Whats the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

wait for it

not yet pls

I cried when I cut up the onion.
10-30-2014 10:15 PM
chomps1211 LOL! checked that client from hell site,..! That's some funny as hell, QFT shit on there!!

I just saw on Conan, how to make a Halloween costume on the cheap. If you're a dude, 50+ years old? Stand next to a beautiful woman,…
BOOM! Instant "Invisible Man" costume!

Of course,.. that works for me on the other 364 days of the year too!
10-30-2014 09:12 PM
ridinbend I created a PDF of some gift tags for a client. They were arranged in portrait orientation so they would print on an 8.5” x 11” page like a regular document. I sent them to her, she said they were perfect, and I forgot about the transaction.

A few weeks later, she writes to me in a panic.

CLIENT: Your file is corrupt. When I print it, the bottom and top are cut off and it’s centered on the page with a bunch of white space on the side.

ME: Did you make sure to change your printer settings to print in portrait? You probably have it set to landscape.

To further prove my point, I printed out the exact file I sent her, took a picture of it, and sent the picture showing it printed correctly. I also attached the same file I originally sent her and replied again.

ME: I just printed it and it worked perfectly (as you can see by the photo I sent you). I also reattached the file. You’ll just need to change your printer settings to portrait.

CLIENT: No, it’s not that. This file is corrupt. I’ll just have to have someone else fix it since you won’t.

I let it go. The next day:

CLIENT: So, I figured out what the problem was. I was printing in landscape.

Taken from
10-30-2014 05:45 PM
stupid fucking russians....

Originally Posted by F1EA View Post
me likey...
10-30-2014 04:49 PM
chomps1211 Posted in another thread recently,…
Originally Posted by deagol View Post
Everything is relative...
Originally Posted by SkullAndXbones View Post
except in Alabama where everyone is a relative
Do you know how we can tell that the "tooth brush" was invented by someone in Alabama,…?

If had been invented anywhere else,..? It would have been called a "Teeth Brush!!"

Alabama couple was in their divorce attorney's office. Their lawyers were having them sign the papers finalizing their divorce, when the husband asked,.. So I understand that once we sign this we are "officially" no longer married,.. But are we still brother and sister????
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