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Old 05-13-2012, 06:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Did you hear about the new book coming out?

Holes in the mattress, by Mr.Completely.
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Old 05-13-2012, 01:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by davidj View Post
There was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket... Nantucket.
He followed the couple to Pawtucket
The girl and the guy with the bucket
He said to the man, you're welcome to Nan
But as for the bucket... uh, I forgot how it ends.
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Old 05-13-2012, 01:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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A blonde and a red head are walking together when they see some tracks. The blonde immediately says "Oooh, look at the deer tracks!". The red head replies "You dumb blonde, those are clearly moose tracks.". The two go on arguing back and forth for a while, then the train hits them.
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It never gets old, if you're in it for the passion, and not the fashion
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:56 AM   #14 (permalink)
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A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
The bartender ignores him.
"Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey."
Still ignored.
"HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!"
The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
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Old 05-15-2012, 04:07 PM   #15 (permalink)
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A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
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Old 05-16-2012, 01:11 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a drink?"

The bar tender replies "For you, no charge."

Badum Chhh.
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Old 05-16-2012, 07:22 AM   #17 (permalink)
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A man is at the check out counter at a supermarket.
The pretty cashier kindly greets him as he places his items on the conveyor belt.
The cashier begins scanning the items:

Quart of milk
Bag of chips
Instant Noodles
Bottle of Pop
Frozen Dinners
Chocolates
Frozen Pizza

As the cashier finishes scanning the last item, she looks at the man and says, "You're single. Aren't you?"

"How did you know?" he replied, "Is it the items I'm purchasing that gives it away?"

"No," she states, "You're ugly."
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Old 05-18-2012, 10:53 AM   #18 (permalink)
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
my 'gator."
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Old 05-18-2012, 11:57 AM   #19 (permalink)
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Old 05-18-2012, 02:05 PM   #20 (permalink)
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The dyslexic's eternal question: Is there a dog?
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