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Old 05-22-2012, 12:10 PM   #21 (permalink)
Drunk with power...er beer.
 
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A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they
noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
party. He walked out into the night.
The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
too.
The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
the wolf pack.
At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
has killed them all.
The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
went out to be killed?
The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:23 PM   #22 (permalink)
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2 goldfish in a tank, one says to the other...

Do you know how to drive this?
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:24 PM   #23 (permalink)
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2 birds on a perch, one says to the other.....

Can you smell fish?
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Old 05-24-2012, 06:02 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Got tired of reading all these "punny" jokes, so I took my quadriplegic dog for a walk,...

"What a Drag"!!!!


My other dog has no legs & Brass Balls!! I call him "Sparky"!!!
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Old 05-24-2012, 06:07 AM   #25 (permalink)
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A buddy of mine told me the other day that he "hooked up" with a 72 year old woman he met at the bar! he said he went home with her and the two of them spent the night performing "Oral Sex" on each other!

I grimaced & asked him,.. what does 72 year old P%$#Y taste like?????

He just shrugged & said,.. Depends!!!!
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:28 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Donutz View Post
The dyslexic's eternal question: Is there a dog?
I believe the full version of that one is:

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
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Old 05-24-2012, 08:30 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Got another one:

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

I will get my coat now...
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:26 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hktrdr View Post
I believe the full version of that one is:

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Did you hear about the autistic schizophrenic? He hears voices but ignores them.
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:28 AM   #29 (permalink)
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A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing
the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them
missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in
his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that
work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump
flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two
events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the
dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously:
"Have you seen my parakeet?"
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Old 05-25-2012, 09:25 AM   #30 (permalink)
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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
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