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Old 05-25-2012, 09:45 PM   #31 (permalink)
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A bear walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, Can I have a Rum.................. and Coke? The bartender says what's with the big pause? The bear goes on to reply. I was born with them.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
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Old 05-25-2012, 10:21 PM   #32 (permalink)
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There was a man from Blue
Who found a fly in his stew
Said the waiter, don't shout
And wave it about
Or the others will be wanting one too.
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Old 05-28-2012, 05:09 PM   #33 (permalink)
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A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn
under the kilt?"
He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did
really want to know.
The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn
under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"
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Old 05-30-2012, 09:47 AM   #34 (permalink)
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A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
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Old 06-05-2012, 03:17 PM   #35 (permalink)
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A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally \*sit\* on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
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Old 06-05-2012, 04:09 PM   #36 (permalink)
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How do you embaress and archeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask which period it came from!
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Old 06-06-2012, 09:25 AM   #37 (permalink)
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After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
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Old 06-15-2012, 09:34 AM   #38 (permalink)
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I've posted this one before, but it's a classic:

A man walks into a bar. As he looks around, he realizes that he is hearing
piano music, but there's no piano player. He goes over to look, and sees
that there is someone playing the piano, but he's only one foot tall.
Thinking this is kind of unusual, the man goes to the bartender and
says "Hey, what's with the foot-tall piano player?". The bartender just
gets a disgusted look, pulls a lamp from under the counter, and says
"Here. Rub this.".
The man takes the lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. "What's your wish?"
says the genie. "I'd like a million bucks!" answers the man.
Suddenly, a huge flock of ducks flies into the bar and settles around the
man.
"What the hell?" says he. "I didn't ask for a million ducks!". Answers
the bartender, "Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?".
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Old 06-18-2012, 08:43 AM   #39 (permalink)
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The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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Old 06-18-2012, 09:57 AM   #40 (permalink)
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America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of
the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
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