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Old 07-10-2012, 03:56 PM   #51 (permalink)
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During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
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the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:04 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others
nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
thoughts?"
Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
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Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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Old 07-19-2012, 10:50 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
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Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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Old 07-19-2012, 02:03 PM   #54 (permalink)
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The Frisbee seemed to be getting bigger....

and then it hit me.


Is this what I've been missing out these days? lol. A make over as well!
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:51 AM   #55 (permalink)
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.*
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
*
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.*

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
*
*****************'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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Old 08-01-2012, 03:03 PM   #56 (permalink)
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Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
"Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes. Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
__________________

Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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Old 08-01-2012, 04:25 PM   #57 (permalink)
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HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both mark their territory.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither understands what you see in cats.


HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they
never laugh At how you throw.)

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies,
but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN

A dog's parents will never visit you.

A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

A dog never expects you to telephone.

A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

A dog does not shop.


LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what
you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the
crotch is effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon
as you're dragged out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
__________________

Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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Old 08-02-2012, 09:48 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Once were seven men, with brains so fine,
They created a pussy, to their design,
First was a butcher, smart with wit,
Using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
Using hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
Using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
Using fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
He threw in a fish, and gave it that smell,
Sixth was a priest by the name of McGee,
He touched it and bless it and said it could pee,
Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt,
He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt!



You're welcome!
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:16 PM   #59 (permalink)
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Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
__________________

Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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Old 09-06-2012, 02:45 PM   #60 (permalink)
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A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the
tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through
and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and
waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten
up. They all wanted to know what had happened.

He explained he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his
ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over
and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow
Titelist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes
apparently searching for her lost golf ball.

The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look
like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.
__________________

Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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