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Old 05-05-2014, 01:03 PM   #81 (permalink)
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A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
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Old 05-05-2014, 01:20 PM   #82 (permalink)
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...the older, less PC punchline for that same joke?


....KimoSabe, him say "You gonna die!"
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Old 05-07-2014, 11:30 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Old 05-07-2014, 12:36 PM   #84 (permalink)
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Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits 5.00 each, Shirts 2.00 each, trousers 2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........"!!!!!
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Old 05-09-2014, 05:19 PM   #85 (permalink)
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Meanwhile in Canada:
"I really hope this yr summer falls on a weekend."
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:45 PM   #86 (permalink)
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After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.

"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."

"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.

"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
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Old 10-29-2014, 05:16 PM   #87 (permalink)
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America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely
years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. wife. They approve.

The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I
want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut
thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of the
best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.

Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The
Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
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Old 10-30-2014, 05:49 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Posted in another thread recently,…
Quote:
Originally Posted by deagol View Post
Everything is relative...
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkullAndXbones View Post
except in Alabama where everyone is a relative
Do you know how we can tell that the "tooth brush" was invented by someone in Alabama,…?




If had been invented anywhere else,..? It would have been called a "Teeth Brush!!"



Alabama couple was in their divorce attorney's office. Their lawyers were having them sign the papers finalizing their divorce, when the husband asked,.. So I understand that once we sign this we are "officially" no longer married,.. But are we still brother and sister????
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Last edited by chomps1211; 10-30-2014 at 05:55 PM. Reason: Apologies to all our Alabaman Members! Both of you! ;)
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Old 10-30-2014, 06:45 PM   #89 (permalink)
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Default stupid fucking russians....

Quote:
Originally Posted by F1EA View Post
me likey...
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Old 10-30-2014, 10:12 PM   #90 (permalink)
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I created a PDF of some gift tags for a client. They were arranged in portrait orientation so they would print on an 8.5” x 11” page like a regular document. I sent them to her, she said they were perfect, and I forgot about the transaction.

A few weeks later, she writes to me in a panic.

CLIENT: Your file is corrupt. When I print it, the bottom and top are cut off and it’s centered on the page with a bunch of white space on the side.

ME: Did you make sure to change your printer settings to print in portrait? You probably have it set to landscape.

To further prove my point, I printed out the exact file I sent her, took a picture of it, and sent the picture showing it printed correctly. I also attached the same file I originally sent her and replied again.

ME: I just printed it and it worked perfectly (as you can see by the photo I sent you). I also reattached the file. You’ll just need to change your printer settings to portrait.

CLIENT: No, it’s not that. This file is corrupt. I’ll just have to have someone else fix it since you won’t.

I let it go. The next day:

CLIENT: So, I figured out what the problem was. I was printing in landscape.


Taken from http://clientsfromhell.net/page/3
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