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Old 05-05-2014, 12:03 PM   #81 (permalink)
Drunk with power...er beer.
 
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A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
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Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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Old 05-05-2014, 12:20 PM   #82 (permalink)
Not quite reformed yet
 
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...the older, less PC punchline for that same joke?


....KimoSabe, him say "You gonna die!"
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Old 05-07-2014, 10:30 AM   #83 (permalink)
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Old 05-07-2014, 11:36 AM   #84 (permalink)
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Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London.
Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits 5.00 each, Shirts 2.00 each, trousers 2.50 per pair".
Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune.
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent".
"OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy
They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at 5.00 each, 100 shirts at 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at 2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap!
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners........"!!!!!
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Old 05-09-2014, 04:19 PM   #85 (permalink)
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Meanwhile in Canada:
"I really hope this yr summer falls on a weekend."
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Old 05-09-2014, 05:45 PM   #86 (permalink)
Drunk with power...er beer.
 
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After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.

"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."

"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.

"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
__________________

Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead,
the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm
a private eye.
-- Calvin
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