Donutz

A group of boyscouts was taking a hike through the forest. As they were
crossing a stream, one of the boys dropped his wallet into the water.
Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed the wallet and tossed it to another
carp. Then that carp passed it to another carp, and all over the river
carp appeared and tossed the wallet back and forth.
"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."

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Illegitimi non carborundum

I hate the parts between winter...

Donutz

A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
sadly, "runneth over."

__________________

Illegitimi non carborundum

I hate the parts between winter...

Donutz

A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.

"What do you think?" said the the first ranger.

"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.

__________________

Illegitimi non carborundum

I hate the parts between winter...

Donutz

A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"

__________________

Illegitimi non carborundum

I hate the parts between winter...

Rider161

That one was better

Donutz

Damn. I'm going to have to down my game.

__________________

Illegitimi non carborundum

I hate the parts between winter...

Donutz

A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
"Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"

__________________

Illegitimi non carborundum

I hate the parts between winter...

Rider161

You Sir have failed best one yet

Donutz

A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."

__________________

Illegitimi non carborundum

I hate the parts between winter...

davidj

There was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket... Nantucket.

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Equal opportunity offender.