This is one of the funniest thread titles I've seen haha.
I'm a chick and have tried on different brands, so hopefully this helps.
Check out 686 in addition to the other brands mentioned. The 686s I've tried fit well around the waist while having room in the seat. Volcom surprised me that way, too, especially with their slimmer fit designs - NOT the Battlestretch or whatever they're called; those are like skin tight but stretchy, unless that's the way you want to go. Actually, if you do go that route, use a GoPro and post the vid of random guy gawkers catching edges, falling over, etc haha.
I have a pair of Nike's that have an adjustable waistband and a baggier fit all over, so they might work for your seat area and your ACL brace.
Stay away from Holden for the most part. Their designs might be too slim in the seat for you. Burtons seem to run on the larger side, except for the TWC line, so you might want to try them, too.