Nothing to be embarrassed about.
Before you learn how to carve, you need to learn how to turn. Before you can turn you need to learn how to use your toe side edge. Try side slipping and doing traverses on your toe side.
It's tough just throwing ideas out without seeing what's really going on. My best recommendation would be for you to get hooked up with a qualified coach who could probably get you linking turns in one lesson. It's money well spent and it sounds like you've struggled for long enough.
First things first, like Grizz said. That cheezy adage, gotta crawl before you walk...Gotta turn before you carve...Don't be embarrassed. Every rider struggles at one point or another with something, and I've discovered (from personal experience) that making the transition from heel side to toe side is one of the most difficult things for a newer rider to concquer. I am still working on perfecting my toe side turns now, thanks to Snowolf and the veteran riders here, it's starting to come together, a season later
I remember this...I toe side traversed the whole way down Cornice (a very steep black) my second time ever riding. Granted, I had no business up there...it took me 1 1/2 hrs to get to the bottom. Some gentle soul passed by me struggling and told me to just rest on my shins a bit (but also make sure your boot are tight so that when your heel lifts up for the toe edge, that your boot goes with it, otherwise you'll get that heel edge). Saved my ass that day, literally.
The next time, and every time since, I've only heelside traversed the steep once I was comfortable looking down the mountain and how steep it was. I agree, it can become a crutch, I was getting down the hill in good speed, but then when looking at everyone else I realized how ridiculous I looked and that i'm in the fucking way!!!
. Having the advantage of traversing on both heel and toe, however, does help the transition, you will know exactly how much flex is needed to keep you from catching an edge and how to parlay those into turns.
I could have saved myself alot of pain and suffering had I taken an additional lesson. BUT, if you don't have access to lessons, it can be done. Snowolf and Rick have some great vids and there is soooo much info here about this, you sound committed to it, so you will do it! I would in no way, be where I am in my riding now without Snowolf, and the support of the other members.
Don't ever be embarrassed about riding, there is nothing wrong at all with being aware of your ability level, e.g. what you can do, what you need to work on, and your desire to improve. Example: Every time we go to Mammoth, I always go to the top, sideslip the steep, then start turning lower down. This trip I decided NOT to go to the top. I think anyone can get down the hill, black, blue, green, whatever, but it's how
you get down that matters. I decided I'm not going up there again until I can handle that shit for real! At first I felt like I was bitching out, but I realize there is honor in wanting to improve and do it right!
Keep reading, watching vids, visualize yourself on the mountain, keep practicing. If you can get a lesson, great, it's for sure the best route - if you can't, don't worry, you can still do it, there is great info/tips/vids and great support here! It can - and will
- be done!